Holy Crap I am DONE!

Hello friends… well at last I can say that I am done with my radiation treatments.
It is 197 days since my day of diagnosis of breast cancer.
As much as it seems like the days have flown by….. It crawled at the same time.
My life as I knew it …. Was forced to take a pit stop.
Certainly not the curve ball I expected to get. I am psyched that I was able to get thru it all relatively
Sane and happy. Michael is the first and foremost person who helped me thru it all. My friends and family (and my family are my friends). So many friends that I am so lucky to have in my life. My contemporaries, my co-workers, total strangers and business owners all aided me when I needed it.
I want to thank all of you for the emotional, financial and physical help I received from you.
I am deeply humbled by this whole experience.

So…. One might ask……. What the fuck do I do now?

That my friends is the 1 billion dollar question.

As I left the radiology building at Maine Med this morning…..
I didn’t expect to really become overwhelmed with emotion. But I was…. Overwhelmed.
It was the reality of my last treatment that struck me.
I am done… no more…. And when I say no more… I mean NO MORE CANCER EVER. I sobbed on my way to the gym. It was a mournful cry…. Something you may do when you have lost someone close to you.
I am mourning my formal self. Sounds a bit new agey weirdo girl stuff…. But I really feel that way.
I liked how I used to be……but now…. I am a cleaner, healthier, less self abusing…. Melynda.
As much as I did for myself then…. I was not taking care of my physical self. Now I have to. I was forced to. Now I am not saying that cancer did this for me. I say that my body did this for me. Our bodies control so much. There is an intelligence that comes from our very DNA… our own cells can control our life. As much as our brain….Cancer…. Its just our own cells and DNA going a little wonky… growing like crazy. Crazy cells…
Or are they? Maybe.. It is a calculated, directed and spiritually guided message to our being.
Its like…. Wake up mother-fucker! Yeah… you …. Now cut it out! Stop this unhealthy foolishness!
What?….. Your not going to stop…. Okay then…. Then we will do something about it.
Slow you right the fuck down. (this is a conversation between my brain and my body’s cells).

A question that I have been getting a lot lately. “So are they going to run tests to see if the cancer is gone?”
The short answer to this question is a definitive “NO”.

See the thing is … they don’t give you an all clear after treatments are done.
It is a wait and see attitude….
Well okay… lets see if it ever comes back… keep checking… notice changes… symptoms etc.
Surgery got rid of the tumor itself.
Chemotherapy should have killed any rogue cells that may have been hiding somewhere in my body.
Radiation concentrated on killing cells around my surgical areas… both my arm (where lymph nodes where taken out) and the tumor site.

So now… I just have to make sure that it doesn’t come back.

How do I do that?

Well…. 3 major things…….

1. Live Healthier (exercise and eat well)
2. Live Happier (don’t let the stress rule and participate in activities that enrich, excite and inspire)
3. Live True (move towards goals and except failures)

Sounds easy … right?

Well, yah… it kinda is.

I never thought that 7 months ago.

So I am living healthier.
Since my beginning date of radiation 6 weeks ago… I also started going to the gym.
I have been stretching and hitting one of the cardio machines 4x a week for 6 weeks.
I feel stronger… my left arm is getting some of its former strength back.
I am bartering with a yoga/Pilates studio where I pick up and clean at the studio a couple hours a week in exchange for a full membership to the studio. I am psyched! I can take as many classes as I would like.
If any of you want to join me sometime… let me know… we can go to a class together.

I am also eating better and also sleeping better.

I am living happier.
I have begun getting together with my band, By Blood Alone, again.
This has been great. We are working on new material and practicing, practicing for our next gig.
Which is going to kill!

I am also creating artwork. It seems a bit away… but The White Heart asked if I would like to solo art show for October if this year. I am very excited about it. I am making new work and can’t wait to share with you all.
But you will have to wait until then!
HA!

I am still working on the living true part.
Being authentic, being mindful, showing vulnerability and strength at the same time.
How do I achieve this?
It is still a little bit of a mystery for me. It is possible that the point is you will never be able to fully achieve Truth. Maybe you find truth in death?
I don’t know…
What I do know is that I need do move towards my bliss (to quote David Lynch)

Lets see what happens shall we?

I believe that my benefit site will still be up and running to keep you updated on my progress etc.
However…. We will be closing the PO Box that many of you have sent donations to.

If you decide to send anything thru the mail and you would like it to get to me…
Please mail all correspondence etc to……….

Melynda Amann
57 Moody St.
Portland, Maine
04101


I guess that is all for now. My love and gratitude to everyone who sets their eyes on this.
Xoxxoxoxo


Melynda

A millimeter from X: Conversations in the Radiation Room- Part 4

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


A millimeter from X: Conversations in the Radiation Room- Part 4

Female Radio Technician 1: (walking into room with the other techs)...... you know the other white meat. They call it the other white meat. That is what they call Pork.
I mean... It shouldn't taste like chicken. Eventhough... they say everything else does. Taste like chicken I mean.

(table adjusting, moving up and down, side to side)

Female Radio Technician 2: 174 5

FRT1: Yup

FRT2: I got your white meat for you right here Frosty.

Everyone in Room: hahahahahahahahahah huh hahha.....

FRT1: Sorry Melynda

Me: Its fine... its funny

FRT2: Yeah... I am sure Melynda has heard alot worse... Huh honey?

Me: Yes, alot worse

(They all leave room... buzzing noise.......)

10:10 Wed Jan 30th 2008

Eating Flesh

Eating Flesh

Hey All..

So I am half way done with my radiation treatments.
My last one is on Feb 20th. Provided that the machine does not break down (Again).
It has broken down twice since I have been going.
Once when I was on the table.
I thought... that possibly It would malfunction... and start acting crazy... and then maybe I would end up with some really cool super powers.
But... that did not happen, unfortunately.
Apparently... the computer and the machine don't always communicate well and it forces a stalemate.
(a very humanlike quality... robots are cool)
Anyway...
I was supposed to be done by my Birthday on the 16th... but that is not going to happen.
I was a little dissapointed, but I am over it now.

I watched this health program last night that was all about eating a plant based diet... and not a meat based diet.

I think that Michael and I are going to try and do so.
There are many health and environmental reasons to make this change.
I never thought that I would be able to give up meat.
But there are some statistics that are helping me with making the choice.
Like 0% of breast cancer patients who switch to a plant based diet has a reccurence within 4 years as opposed to 39% who keep a meat based diet.

So... we may give it a try. I don't want the cancer to come back.

I also overheard a very disturbing conversation while sitting in the Radiology waiting room last week.
The conversation was between two men. One guy was talking about how his family have been farmers for generations and had a huge dairy farm down east somewhere.
He was talking about how they lost all of their herd one year.
He said that the barn had newly been urethaned and then a few days later... caught on fire. The cows where in the barn for a little while... breathing all the toxins in before they were rescued.

He said that a few weeks later... all of the cows starting to develope flu-like symptoms. Runny noses, sneezing etc etc. Meanwhile they all were still being milked.
They started to die. All of them died.
Turns out that they all had been poisened by the Urethane. But ... the herd wasn't a total loss. They were able to sell ALL OF THE MEAT for human consumption
How fucked up is that...
They died from toxins... and now humans where drinking the milk and eating the flesh that was most certainly tainted.
Made me want to be sick.
I won't get into all the other statistics about the meat industry... cause I don't want to get on a soap box... As of this moment I still eat meat (I try to eat free range and grass fed though). But let me just say... If you choose to investigate for yourselves... it is pretty disgusting.
and the environmental impact of animals being raised for food is also quite disturbing.
Basically the best thing any one person can do for the environment is stop eating meat. Energy, Water and land will all be saved.
Okay... I have blabbed enough.

Something to think about anyway...


Love to you all.
M

Sternum Tattoo: Conversations in the Radiation Room -Part 3

(faint buzzing coming from a cd player.... *I didn't even know that they had a cd player in the room)

Female Radio Technician 1: Hey Melynda... my name is R, I will be here all week with you.

Me: Cool

FRT1: Yeah... I am happy I get to be here... cause I go to Amigos.

Me: Oh... so you must know my sister Raina

FRT1: Yes... and I saw all the people who shaved their head for you there.

Me: Oh

FRT1: (Talking to the Male Radiology Technician) Okay... D ... this music is not going to work. What do you got in there Bob?

Male Radio Technician 1: No.... I think Britney Spears is in there right now.

(I chuckle to myself.....)

FRT1: Um... can we put Bob Dylan in? Melynda... you don't mind Bob Dylan do you?

Me: no

MRT1: I was going to put in Led Zepplin... but I thought it would be to heavy for the morning

(I thought to myself... not for me)

(MRT1 walks to cd player and puts in CD... He put in a Muddy Waters CD)

FRT1: ahhhhhhh..... Muddy Waters...(as she is fiddling with my boob)

(They all leave room.....music playing "It's so cold up north, that a bird can hardly fly.Well it's so cold up north, that a bird can hardly fly .Now you know I'm goin' back down south, let this winter pass on by ........")

10:25 Monday January 28th 2008

Base Line: Conversations in the Radiation Room- Part 2

Female Radio Tech 1: "Okay, Melynda, we are going to take an X ray film at the end of the treatment today:"

Me: "Um, OK."

FRT1: "I don't know if you remember me.... I am the one who did your mapping. I am covering for D today... cause he had like... um ... stuff to do."

Me: "Oh"

(Techs fiddle with my boob a bit, move the table then leave room)

(Buzzing Noise)

(Techs enter the room again)

FRT1: "94 5"

Male Radio Technician 1: "Alrighty"

FRT1: "85 6"

MRT1: "yup"

FRT2: "134 7"

MRT1: "got it"

(Table shifting)

(Female and Male Radio Tech... mumbling mumbling... can't hear over the machine")

MRT1: "..........yeah... I noticed it when I was giving him his little sponge bath, kinda sad"

FRT2: "oh... that is sad. How much to take him to the Neuro-Vet?"

MRT1: "$120.00 just to enter the door"

MRT1: "okay Melynda, here we go again"

(techs leave room)

(Loud Buzzing Noise)

10:15 am Wed Jan 23rd 2008

Lateral Field: Conversation in the Radiation Room- Part 1

Female Radio Tech 1: So I was talking to my husband the other day on how I don't like the size and color of my lips.

Female Radio Tech 2: Oh yeah?

FRT1: Yeah... so I said to him that maybe I could go to one of those dermatology places where they can use the machines to line them or something, to make them look bigger.

FRT2: Huh... sounds good.

Me: (Thinking to myself silently:" yeah in other words, a TATOO,... lady.")

FRT1: Yeah... and my husbands response was "Do you think that there is a way that they could sew your lips shut?"

ENTIRE ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA
Guffaw Hardy Haw Haw Haw

FRT2: Have a good day Melynda!

Me: You too!

Monday Jan 21,2008

Well that is decent

my first full week of radiation is almost over so that is cool. Unfortunately, Maine Med is NEVER on time with my appointment.
I switched to a morning appointment in hopes that I will be in and out of there like I am supposed to be.
My techs are nice and usually have warm hands. Funny thing... they put a big elastic band around my feet when I lay on the alien autopsy table so I don't move them.
The buzzing of the machine is kind of comforting.

My port is out and I am sore from that.
and my cold is almost gone but not yet.

Have you ever had your ears pop... and then lose all of your equilibrium?
cause that keeps happening with me... with this cold.
Weird.
love to you all.

Radiation is like Ella Fitzgerald

What should I say about 2007.
It was a year full of memorable events and drastic change.

Here are some of the most notable things that happened in my life in 2007 in no particular order...

-I had the best birthday party ever at Geno's.... and if by best I mean, falling off the stage and not remembering it, singing horribly, punching my sister and passing out on the floor upstairs at Geno's.

-Michael and I renewed our vows in Vegas, celebrated with close friends and drove around a 1956 Chevy Bel Air.

-I fostered many new and close friendships

-I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a major operation and finished chemotherapy

-Learned to be humble and accept help

-I discoverd that everyone around me is filled with compassion and love

-My band, By Blood Alone recorded and released a full length CD, Seas of Blood.

-I conceptualized,designed and decorated Geno's for the best party ever, Half-way to Halloween Horror Ball. Mars Attacks!

-I stopped drinking vodka.

-I said goodbye to my '94 Honda Civic (she was a good kitty... that's what I liked to call her).

-My dad was diagnosed with Lymphoma.

-I made over 70 pieces of art work.

-I started writing a book.

I am sure there are things that I am forgetting... but that is good enough.

Let's see, What is going on now?

Just before the Holidays I was "Mapped" for my radiation therapy.
The Radiation Therapy room is so Sci-Fi and cold ... but I kind of like it.
When they did this mapping my doctor and the radio-tech made me lie on a cold table where I had to be COMPLETELY still and not move at all for a whole 1/2 hour while my left breast was completely exposed, analysed and xrayed by a computer.
Why is it that whenever you are supposed to be completely still... you suddenly have to sneeze, you get uncontrollable iches, spasms, have to cough.... etc etc? It was a bit torturous but I got thru it. After the still torture my tech came in an tatooed registration marks on me... so they know where to set the computer and the lasers.
They are 3 little blue beauty marks triangulated around my breast.

When I am all done... and the proper healing is done after all my treatments...
Cyndi said that she would turn them into little stars or hearts or something like that.

So I start with radiation tomorrow! I will be going 5 days a week at 2:15pm for six weeks. My doctor says that if the machine doesn't break and I don't miss any of my appointments... I will be done on Feb 14th. 2 days before my next birthday!
How cool is that! Definitely cause to celebrate when I am done.

I will never forget what Jenny said about Radiation... she said that she learned this in nursing class.

"Radiation is like Ella Fitzgerald."

I know you might be thinking? What the hell does Ella F. have to do with Radiation...

Fitzgerald appeared in a TV commercials for Memorex. In the commercials, she sang a note that shattered a glass while being recorded to a Memorex cassette tape. The tape was played back and the recording also broke the glass, asking "Is it live, or is it Memorex?"

Every piece of glass has a natural resonant frequency—the speed at which it will vibrate if bumped or otherwise disturbed by some stimulus, such as a sound wave—as does every other material on Earth. Glass wine goblets are especially resonant because of their hollow tubular shape, which is why they make a pleasant ringing sound when clinked. If a person sings the same tone as that ringing note—a high C in legend but in reality the matching pitch could be any note—the sound of her voice will vibrate the air molecules around the glass at its resonant frequency, causing the glass to start vibrating as well. And if you sing loudly enough, the glass will vibrate itself to smithereens.

Radiation is to DNA as Ella is to glass.

Get it?

Anyway... it is a bit oversimplfying it... basically radiation doesn't shatter DNA but kind of breaks the ladders and yada yada yada...
but

I just like thinking of it that way.


Anyway...
so after the mapping... Michael and I went home, visited with our families and ate lots of good food.
I also got to see alot of my nieces and nephews (on Michael's side) They are mostly in their 20's and 30's which means we have grand nephews and grand nieces as well.

It is a little strange having very large men calling me auntie... but I like it.

So, we had a great visit.

Today, I went for my dry run for radiation at Maine Med.
It is definitely more cold and sterile than Mercy Hospital...
but I like the idea of being in and out of there in 20 minutes. Which is what they said would happen every day for treatment.
However... when I was there today... I don't think that there was anyone else there under the age of 60.

I am sure everything will go well.
I have been very sick, sneezing and coughing the past week....so I hope that I can lay still during my treatment without a sneeze sneaking up on me.

I am so looking forward to putting all of this treatment behind me.
Soon enough. January 8th I am getting my Medi-Port taken out... That is the thing they implanted in my chest to administer the chemo drugs. I wonder if they will let me keep it? Not in my body silly... I would put it in a jar or something....

I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be great.

xo
M